Nilionchanga Musungu Leo Pwana!

In my first week in Europe, there was a matter of grave concern that required utmost and urgent attention. Maybe, it is important for you to understand the circumstances that made the issue extremely important with a brief glimpse into my past.

I was born on the hills of Ematsi, not far from Emabungo. I was a proud member of the Bunyore clan. As a young boy, I ruled the path-ways from Ematsi to Ebusakami, Luanda, Maseno and Lela. My grasshopper hunting skills were legendary back then. Then, my dad became a prophet in Dini ya Msambwa – the only true religion – and we had to move to Steni Kisa. He tried teaching the local ignorant people Elijah Masinde’s 20 commandments and the fact that all other religions were false. The people of Steni Kisa had a problem understanding that the teachings of the Christian sects were based on pure hearsay. There was stiff competition from these almost criminal Christian gangs who called themselves Friends of Kamusinga. My dad used to tell my mother about these religious liars, who were misleading Luhyas away from His Almighty: Elijah Masinde. Then my dad heard another voice from His Highness, Worship and Lord. The voice told him that he should pack and move to Shamakhokho where God Masinde’s children yearned for His voice and message.

So, that is where I grew up and later joined Angola-Musumbichi. Al Qaeda is nothing compared to Angola-Musumbichi. But I’ll leave that for another day. In all my travels in Kenya, from Ematsi – Shamakhokho- Nairobi, I sampled only African girls because I had no choice. Then I landed in Europe, and that changed everything.

The Ghanaian who sub-let a corner of his room to me did not waste time. On my first day in his room, he asked me,
‘Have you tasted a white woman, oga?’
‘No,’ I answered. ‘I just arrived in Europe, oga’
‘If you no taste white woman yet, you still are in Africa o. Go out get woman and you can come fork her here’
‘Where can I get one?’ I asked.
‘White woman very easy o. Just go to street corner and tell any that passes by, ‘I want fork’

I took his advice and walked to the nearest street corner. There were many women passing by. Some held hands with men, others fellow women. Some walked alone, but in great haste. About five times, a woman came by that I liked and wanted to go to bed with. And each time, I hurriedly widened my sheepish grin, stepped out into their paths, extended my hand, opened my mouth, but no word came out. My tongue stuck to my teeth, my grin disappeared, sweat appeared on my nose and my hands got wet. I was angry that there was no bush nearby – then I could have done it Shamakhokho style. In Shamakhokho, if you see a girl or woman you really like, you simply drag her into the bush and have fun. No talking. No coffee. No flowers. No gifts. Anyway, I digress.

A police car passed slowly by twice. The cops rolled down their windows each time and looked at me keenly. I had no interest in talking to cops. Back then, I thought they wanted a bribe. Given the refusal of my tongue to enter into a Grand Coalition with Bado Jnr, I gave up my hunt and decided to take a walk instead. Passing by a public library, I decided to go in. I inquired whether I could use the internet. I was shown to the internet section.

‘Please help me.’ I told the middle-aged fat woman. ‘Do you know a website where I can meet local women?’

She thought for a moment. Then, she walked off to another woman who was arranging books on the shelves and engaged her in conversation for a moment before coming back.

‘Try sms.ac’

Noticing I was completely lost, she pulled a chair, typed in the web address and helped me make a profile. I went to the library everyday, logged into my account and sent sms to women around the city. I made a few regular contacts but wasn’t interested in any of them. The messages they sent to me were almost always similar. Things like:
‘I want to meet you big boy. I want you to rip me apart with your big huge snake’

I do not know what ate my snake when I was a kid. The thing is: it never grew. I am an adult, and it is still slightly shorter than my small finger. When it is called, it disappears into my body. So, the least I wanted was a woman interested in a huge snake.

In my third week in Europe, I met this huge fat woman on the internet. It turned out that we lived on the same street. We met at a café for coffee and then she asked me to accompany her to her place. She wasted no time undressing. Good Lord Masinde – she was like 10 Big Daddies tied together.

‘I’ve always fantasized about sleeping with a black man with a big big ….’ she started. Before she could finish, I was opening the door. Before she could say, ‘Msambwa’, I was running down the stairs. I ran all the way to the shared room and screamed to my Ghanaian room-mate:

‘I tasted a white woman today oga!’ Then I grabbed my phone and sent the following sms to my best friend Wakoli who worked as a teacher at Kakamega primary:

‘Nilionchanga msungu leo pwana. Na pachero pia nimenunua’

Rampant Blues

Love them or hate them, Chelsea Football Club has continued to silence critics. This is a revolution in the making; a truly efficient, talented and hardworking footballing unit. Over the last five years, the Blues have accumulated more points than any other team in the English league. There has not been a corresponding credit though. It is not hard to figure out why. The 2008/2009 season began yesterday with colour. As usual all eyes were on Man United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool. You may wanna throw Tottenham Hotspurs in there if you dream. But the real war will definitely be United against Chelsea. My bet is on Chelsea not just winning it but winning it easily---probably in the fashion of Jose Mourinho’s first full season. Portsmouth was mercilessly shredded today, but that’s not even important. What are important are the belief and the drive in this Chelsea side. And the depth of the squad. They have, undoubtedly, the best midfield in world football. Frank Lampard leads this department. He is assisted by Michael Essien, John Obi Mikel, Michael Ballack and new signing, Deco. If that is not awe then tell me what is. The John Terry-inspired defence is not too shabby either. It is water-proof on any good day. On the attack department, Nicholas Anelka has, over the last few days, proven that if Didier Drogba is injured or just having a bad day in the office, he is willing to take over the operations of that department responsibly. A combination between the two in their best forms is even too good to imagine. Which brings me to my prediction; they will not just win the Premier League, but also the Champions League. But I have been wrong before. P.S; Long live Obafemi Martins and Shay Given.